My mother died last Wednesday. I don’t have words of wisdom to share at the moment. I haven’t been feeling as angry as I was at the time of my last entry. I’m feeling somewhere between numbness and relief. The first day was rough. It’s hard to see your loved-one lying there dead with rigor mortis setting in when 17 hours ago she was asking you to stop over after your work’s Christmas luncheon and tell her how it went. However, she had a stroke a week and a half before and was having trouble talking and couldn’t go to the bathroom on her own anymore which with her lifelong crohn’s disease I knew would be a difficult day if it ever came. And her cancer was progressing and she was starting to experience more pain…so I’m glad it didn’t drag out more. She died peacefully.
The next day I became very task-oriented…so many details…writing an obituary, planning a service, figuring out her finances, cleaning out her room…and that’s where I am now…still working on these things. But strong waves of emotion attack without warning. I’ve taken to not wearing mascara anymore.
I’m glad I returned home two and a half years ago to be closer to her. She was very sweet and kind to me these last years and very supportive. We talked about the hurts of the past and she was able to engage with me and apologize for some things…I experienced much healing. Even in our difficult years, she wanted to be connected. I won’t have any of her telephone calls anymore -welcomed and sometimes unwelcomed. I won’t have her to listen to the details of my life that only a mother would want to hear and would listen to patiently. I won’t be able to make her laugh anymore. She giggled easily with me, especially if I was being irreverent and saying things she wasn’t comfortable saying, ie. cuss words. She was a good audience…
Well, those are some of my thoughts early this Christmas Eve morning. So much to grieve…and a long, cherished life to honor and celebrate…
We are all in this together 